We’re off to Bangkok!

We’re off to Bangkok. Well hubby and I are; Tristan is staying at home with my parents.

Let me back up here and start from the beginning. Last week I was reading a blog of someone who was in Bangkok and I read a bit to Shaun and next thing he says lets go for a weekend! Oh yay, yes, I start looking at flights right away and we check that my folks would be able to look after Tristan, which dates work, etc and eventually on Saturday 7 April we book our tickets & hotel. Low and behold the reality sets in and I have a complete freak out; panic attack and all! The reality is Shaun and I are going on holiday for a total of 6 nights (including flights) and we’re leaving Tristan at home.

Now, I know, in my logical mind, that everything will be fine. Tristan will have a fabulous time with my folks (I have super fond memories of staying with my grandparents when my parents went overseas, yes I was a lot older but they are great memories), he won’t be able to comprehend time so won’t realise it’s 7 days so won’t be pining for me and will be thrilled to see us when we get back. I know that this time is so important for Shaun and me – we need quality time together, we travel well together and love doing the same kinds of things so will have such fun, I will enjoy the lie-ins, traveling and just being ME as you certainly lose part of yourself when becoming a mom. It becomes your whole identity. BUT there is a huge part of me that just can’t process leaving Tristan for so long and being so far away! I am going to miss him terribly and each night as he lies next to me sleeping peacefully the emotions get too much and completely overwhelm me and I cry!

So, what am I doing to help myself process & deal with this? 1) I am talking about it with anyone who will listen, 2) I have seen my psychologist, 3) I am going to see my psychiatrist to get some anti-anxiety meds to help me keep these strong feelings at bay, 4) I am NOT cancelling my trip! If I cancel that means I am letting the anxiety win and I won’t allow that; this trip is too important. It’s going to prove to me that a) I am still ME b) I can leave Tristan and everything’s ok c) I have come so far in my anxiety / PND journey and that is super empowering.

I have another 16 days until we leave; that’s a good thing and a bad thing. Bad because that’s 16 days in which to stress about going, but good because that’s 16 days to get better and processing and dealing with the emotions. They aren’t just going to go away. Face your fear and do it any way! I know I can do this; I want to do this; and I will miss Tristan but that’s normal. If I wasn’t going to miss him then there would be something SERIOUSLY wrong! This is just a feeling every mother has when leaving their child for the first time like this but I just feel it more because of my anxiety.

I bet I’m going to get back and read this blog and be like, ‘seriously, what were you so anxious about?’ I know I can do this, I just need to manage the anxiety side of it because I don’t want it to ruin a great and super special trip!

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